Critics often say that bad movies seem like they were made by committee.
Well, Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire is so bad that it not only seems like it was made by committee, but that the people on that committee have the worst taste in monster movies.
Set after the events…
of 2021’s Godzilla Vs. Kong, Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire has the big ape living full-time in the hollow Earth, while the G-man has taken it upon himself to police his fellow kaiju when they, say, get drunk in Rome and start stepping on people.
But when Kong stumbles upon some lost relatives, the humans detect a signal from somewhere underground, and Godzilla starts killing other monsters and stealing their mojo, Dr. Ilene Andrews (Iron Man 3‘s Rebecca Hall) — who was the Kong specialist from Godzilla Vs. Kong, and now oversees his care for Monarch — realizes something bad might be about to happen.
Now, on its face, the story driving Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire isn’t a bad one. It certainly isn’t the dumbest story in a movie about giant animals. This is a genre, after all, that includes King Kong Escapes, in which people build a robot version of King Kong so it can mine radioactive rocks, but when it breaks, they kidnap the real Kong and force him to be a miner.
But while that movie managed to be fun despite (or maybe because of) its silly story, Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire‘s plot is so convoluted, and so full of half-baked ideas, that I wouldn’t have been surprised if the aforementioned bad thing that was about to happen involved Mechani-Kong and Mechagodzilla mining Unobtanium.
Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire also…
has moments that recall the dumbest parts of the worst monster movies. There are kaiju in conversation with each other, kaiju acting like people, and a kid kaiju who’s supposed to be cute, but their capering just makes them seem like they’re pandering to kids. And not smart kids, either; stupid kids who don’t know any better.
Then there’s all the logical problems in Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire. For instance, when Dr. Andrews decides to go to hollow Earth to investigate the aforementioned signal, she brings her daughter, Jai (Kaylee Hottle) — a.k.a. the Kong whisperer from Godzilla Vs. Kong — since she’s now psychic somehow, and has been having dreams about the signal.
Well, that and she can talk to Kong, of course.
But then Andrews gets coerced into also bringing Bernie (Atlanta‘s Brian Tyree Henry), the conspiracy theorist and podcaster from Godzilla Vs. Kong. Why? No idea. He gives her no good reason to do so, and yet she caves to his demand like someone who isn’t in charge of a major scientific project that studies a giant gorilla.
It also doesn’t help…
that the humans in Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire are terrible, too. While he was likeable in Godzilla Vs. Kong, in Empire Bernie is an annoying parody of his former self. And even he’s more likeable than Trapper (Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey), a kaiju veterinarian (seriously) who’s just a smug schmuck.
Then there’s the terrible music, which not only includes a cheap-sounding new wave-ish score, but some equally terrible songs as well. You know a movie is bad when it’s not set in the ’80s but they use Kiss’ “I Was Made For Lovin’ You,” and not ironically or as a punchline.
Not even the climactic battle could save this mess. And not just because, as climactic battles go, this one pales compared to the rather spectacular one in Godzilla Vs. Kong. And the really cool ones in Godzilla, Godzilla: King Of Monsters, and Kong: Skull Island.
No,
it’s because it starts with a slo-mo moment so groan-inducingly cheesy that it made me realize this isn’t a monster movie made by a committee of people who have terrible taste in monster movies, it’s a parody of monster movies by a committee of people who hate monster movies. And parodies.
It is literally the worst monster movie since the Godzilla with Matthew Broderick.
In fact, there’s only one good thing about Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire: a new and interesting kaiju whose abilities I won’t spoil save to say his comic book loving friends probably call him Victor. But even he ends up being dumb at the end for, again, reasons I won’t spoil.
Though why I’m bothering…
not to spoil anything about Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire is beyond me. This movie is so bad that I hope you never see it, even for free. You deserve better. Heck, even the committee that makes movies deserves better, and after seeing this movie, they don’t deserve anything.
SCORE: 2.0/10
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